Procrastination. It’s a wonderful thing. You are probably procrastinating right now; reading this instead of doing something else. Mark Twain said something like, “Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow?!” I am the King of Procrastination. I keep thinking I should make myself a crown…

Here’s the way I see it. Just imagine what would happen if everyone stopped procrastinating today. Gyms would be overrun by people wanting memberships. Surely fights would ensue as 478 people try to take in a yoga class restricted to 20 participants. Imagine the horror as two sweaty, obese men with shirts one size too small grapple with each other over the last elliptical machine, and now imagine some of that sweat getting on you. Popular trails and parks would be inundated with people wanting to get out of the house for one reason or another. Nature would take a beating from walkers, joggers, bikers, picnic’er’s etc. Ever seen “The Birds”? Nature always has a way to retaliate. Home improvement stores would run out of product because everyone wants to fix this or build that thing they’ve been putting off. Imagine how many trees would have to be cut down to meet demand. Grocery store shelves would be empty as people would be out buying healthier choices, or just stocking up, like they’ve meant to do for so long. Millions of people employed by those wonderful companies that supply us chocolate, candy, and chips would be out of work, because everyone would start eating better. Book stores would be scenes of anarchy as people would rush out to buy those books they’ve always meant to read. Again, think of the poor trees! TV shows would be cancelled when there is no one available to watch them because they are doing those things they’ve always meant to do. Watch the credits of any TV show, and imagine all those people out of work! City dumps and landfills would overflow as people clean out the crud and filth that has been piling up for years.

How many people would quit their jobs to become writers, actors, activists, or doctors? Just try to imagine the economic ramifications.

Vacation destinations would become simply masses of angry tourists as no one would be able to get through the throngs of people committed to seeing the sights they’ve always dreamed of yet always put off. Violence would surely erupt when people say to themselves “I’ve always wanted to stand up for myself, now is the time!” Standing up for yourself is great, but not when half a million people wanting to climb the Eiffel Tower decide that at the same time.

Imagine if Israel stopped procrastinating and said, “Dammit, nuke Iran.” The US would surely follow their lead and bomb North Korea. Many Muslim states would seek revenge on France for their stances against burkas, veils, and other symbols sacred to Islam. The only saving grace in that is that France would surely surrender at the first sign of violence.

Chaos would take over the world. Violence would become the norm, and people would surely die. Oh the horror. Oh the humanity.

As for me, I will plant my ass on the couch and wait for the next season of The Walking Dead. Until then, Survivor and the NHL Playoffs will have to do.

I will procrastinate. In fact, if I can find a way to put off procrastinating, I probably will. After all, when you think about it, just by procrastinating, I am, quite likely, saving the world!

I think I should cut the grass… tomorrow.